Thursday, September 9, 2010

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: House (2008)

House is a movie that is both extremely confusing and infuriating. And can you believe this thing was based off of a book? And I READ IT!? Me of all people. What the fuck, I must really be losing it. Well you can read the review of the book here. And to sum it up...the book fucking sucks.

Well the story is basically the same. Until the last 30 - 45 minutes, then its just a horrible, horrible mess. The book kind of seems like it was written to be adapted to film, like the filmmakers and the authors were kind of working hand in hand. The authors, Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti, ARE co-producers. Maybe that was planned out from the beginning or they really just wanted to be there to control the film so it would accurately portray their novel. To which they failed miserably...or figured they were doing an ok job with the first part of the movie so they left to go write another novel and then the filmmakers fucked up the second half terribly.

The story is basically about a couple that is traveling through the back roads of shithole Alabama. If you're reading this and from Alabama then...umm...sorry dude. lolz. Well they're lost. They get some directions back to the interstate from a local policeman and they end up hitting some debri and blowing out their tires. I thought the way the movie did it was much better explained and made so much more sense than the book. The book just has both cars hitting road spikes on TWO different roads. And nobody seems to give a shit about that. At least here it was some "farm debri" and it has some senseability to it.

Well they take off running because it starts to rain. They find an old Wayside Inn and go inside. They meet the other couple whose car crashed and then they meet the family that owns the house. Up until this point the movie pretty much follows the book exactly. It's about dinner time that shit gets all twisted and makes absolutely no sense.

I can't fucking read! Can somebody tell me what this says?

Well they eventually try to leave but there's a guy outside that everyone fears. The Tin Man. (Way more of a douchebag in the movie than in the book) But there isn't any explanation about him. Then we finally get to the main plot device...the tin can. The can has the "House Rules" on it which they must follow if they are to survive the night. The problem is...there's only 40 minutes left of this movie and there's a shitload of stuff to do. So the filmmakers scramble to finish the story and include as much as possible from the book and then end it. It's just such a mess I don't really want to get into it.

But I will. I couldn't really tell you what was going on. I read the book and that was stupid enough but the fucking movie just flew all over the place. It was like watching someone throw pictures up in the air and then following them to the ground...somehow piecing the stories of these pictures together. It's just too fucked up. Like I didn't even know their kid was killed until it was nearly over. I guess they did that in the book too but here I was so mesmerized by trying to figure out what the fuck was going on that I totally forgot.

Here you go, this House is much better.

Well House, you managed to fail twice. Not even the great Bill Moseley could save you. Maybe you should try again, they always say the third times a charm. This time I'd stay away from casting Michael Madsen. He was a part of Bloodrayne. *shudders* Just don't. Don't think about it.

Watch the trailer, it's basically the whole movie. That's good enough.

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