Tuesday, August 17, 2010

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Split Second (1992)

"We're going to need bigger guns.  BIG FUCKING GUNS!!"  I love this movie.  Everything about it is enjoyable...even as it falls apart in the last 30 minutes.  If you're looking for action, adventure, post apocalypse, monsters, and horror than Split Second is for you.

The cast is wonderful.  Lead man Rutger Hauer, whom I absolutely adore in these lower budget roles, does a great job as Mr. Badass.  He's got the shades, the long coat, a cigar, and drinks way too damn much coffee.  The waitress asks him what'll he have?  He replies, "A coffee,"  "But sir, it's a two drink minimum."  Then bring me two coffees." Brilliant!  He's also got a brand new pansy side kick who gradually throughout the film after coming face to face with the creature grows a pair and attempts to be Mr. Sidekick Cool.  Obviously he fails but he does spit out a few good lines.  Finally we have Rutger's romance in the movie which is his recently murdered partner's love affair wife Kim Catrall.  I've always thought she was pretty hot through the 80's and 90's and even a little today.  She does sport a few nice topless shots in the shower so if you're into Kimmy you might want to track this movie down.

Alright so whats this sweet ass movie about?  Global warming.  Yep global warming.  Oh dear god will it ever end.  Well thats just the background premise, global warming caused 40 days and nights of rainfall on London which put large areas of the city under water.  The rest is held together by cops.  A new creature is stalking the streets killing people at random and eating their hearts.  Stone (Rutger Hauer) is after this beast because it killed his partner not long ago.  After being attacked by it he now has a psychic link to it.  Soon they find out what it really is, track it down to its lair, and bring in the big fucking guns to take it down.

The creature...the creature...what about the creature?  Well imagine this...the alien from Aliens got it on with venom from spiderman.  Somehow these two seperate male specimens were able to conceive a child.  This child grew up and loves to ride dirt bike.  Being a good boy he wears his helmet.  One unfortunate accident later and the helmets glass shield is permanently forced into its face.  Now it has an attitude problem and wants to eat some human hearts.  Now we have the creature in Split Second.  It has some obvious influences and you really don't see it til the end.  What you do see is pretty sweet I have to say.

Now the coolness of the movie.  The setting is all kinds of dark, depressing, and moody.  Its all wet from the flooding and the sun hardly shows.  Great atmosphere.  Rutger Hauer is shooting out one-liners like a mad man.  Everything that happens seems to almost happen at random sometimes and its laughable but oh so entertaining.  I love it.  There really isn't anything not to like about this movie...

...that is until the ending.  The ending is an ending but it could have been better.  It looks to me that a new director stepped up to finish the film.  That could be the reason for it but the script could have been too.  Seems like they were just taking suggestions from the crew on hand on how to end it.  The coolness died down, the fun was gone, and all that was left was Rutger Hauer with a heart in his hand.  In any case the rest of the movie is well worth it.  I really wish money wasn't a factor sometimes because films like this one could be so much better with more time and more money.  What they did have is pure gold in my eye.

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