Friday, October 7, 2011

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 7

Well the first week of insanity is over and it's been pretty awesome. I've unearthed some pretty amazing movies that I normally would have passed over in favor of something more epic. I've also endured some really terrible pieces of film. It really brings to light the fact that ANYONE can make a movie. All you need is a camera, and not even a good camera, to make a movie. From there, you just need some cool cover art and you're good to go. Actually, fuck the cover art: Just have a really stupid title and you've got my attention. It's kinda sad that that is what independent filmmaking has turned into these days. As I was compiling a list of Netflix Instant movies, ALL of the ones that I found shitty and interesting were all from the last decade. They all had zany covers and crazy titles (Bikini Girls on Ice comes to mind) but I just know that they aren't going to deliver on that title. If these movies had been made in the 80s, yeah you know they'd kick some serious ass. People that made movies with crazy titles back then were themselves out of their mind and made some really entertaining ridiculous movies. But now...people make a shitty slasher and when its over they give it a crazy title in hopes of selling more copies because there's no way the film can stand on its own.

But anyway, let's get back to today's movie. You voted and I suffered:

This movie has neither Horror OR Vision OR Future.

Horrorvision is from the J.R. Bookwalter era of Full Moon pictures. Full Moon hit a steep decline after their deal with Paramount ended. To try and get it moving again, Full Moon partnered with Tempe Entertainment (Bookwalter's company) and they pumped out a slew of really quite awful horror movies. I only know about J.R. Bookwalter from one movie: Zombie Cop. That was one of the most awful movies I'd ever seen. When I had first seen it, it'd been my most enduring movie. There was nothing all that great about it but there WAS a lot to rip on. But that movie was so bad that Bookwalter's name stuck with me. Years later, after my Full Moon lust had reached new heights, I started to notice his name again...and started seeing the movies he was associated with. They all retained some ridiculousness that Full Moon is known for but for the most part they are really not that enjoyable.

So here we have Horrorvision, co-written and produced by J.R. Bookwalter. I want to tell you what this movie is about but I really don't know how to put this shitpile into words. It's kind of like Fear Dot Com but worse. You go to and then you die. Well, only a few people die and then this tech geek decides that he's going to fight back. So he teams up with some Blade ripoff (of the Wesley Snipes variety of Blades) and they go on this crusade to destroy Horrorvision. They find the mainframe and its too late, it's on the net now.

This movie rips off itself. This stupid concept has been done over and over. It actually goes back and rips off Full Moon's earlier film: Arcade. The concept is more or less the same and they even pull some of the footage from that movie. If you've seen Arcade, then you are familiar with Level 1 and the skateboarding through the spiked hallway. (It's about 30 seconds into the trailer) That scene (along with the evil final monster: about 25 seconds into the trailer) make an appearance in this movie.

Don't watch this movie. I hate to say this because my love for Charles Band is pretty infinite but he made a big mistake working with Bookwalter. That guy touches gold and turns it to shit. Just not worth anyone's time.

I'll give some credit where it's due: the final monster in Horrorvision (pictured on the cover) IS pretty badass. It's at least a physical monster and not a CGI monster. This movie could have redeemed itself if would have spawned the monster 45 minutes earlier and then all the kids would have had to try and stop it somehow. (hint hint Charles Band: Horrorvision 2)

But I'm glad I watched it. I needed to see this for myself. Thank you all for voting. Honestly, the best part of watching this movie was the previews. I'm sure you're all aware of The Gingerdead Man movie Charles Band put out. This movie has a promo trailer for that movie and it features a CGI Gingerdead Man. Oh Yes, that movie was originally supposed to be ALL CGI killer cookie. HAHAHAHAHA That would've sucked so hard.

Yep, those are computer cords coming out of that guy's dick.

So I've been up since 5am today. I've gotta work all day today and then I'll be meeting up with some friends at midnight for Human Centipede 2 for a special screening. I'll be hopefully asleep by 3am, up again at 5am for The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween!, then I have to be somewhere at 9am, and then I have to be somewhere else by 3pm.

Tomorrow MAY break me. Coffee, you are my closest friend.

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